I’m not sure why it is that so many of the performers I like die too early. Some of them I never really appreciated or wasn’t old enough to appreciate until after they died (Jeff Buckley, Harry Chapin, John Belushi). A rare few I was able to enjoy during their life. Mitch Hedberg was one of them. Probably my second favorite stand up of all time (The title going to Lil Jimmy Norton, who if you haven’t heard of yet, you will be very soon.) he performed in a style that usually annoys me. He had a really fresh approach to non sequitor comedy that I really enjoyed. Unfortunately, he also really enjoyed heroine. It was a pretty bad day when I found out Mitch had died, but I still have the comedy.
Here is an absurdly long list of Quotes from Mitch I find hilarious.
I got into comedy to do comedy, which is weird, I know. But when you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, “Alright, you’re a standup comedian. Can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy but not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said, “Alright, you’re a cook… Can you farm?”
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
When it comes to racism, some people say, “I don’t care if they are black, white, purple or green.” Ah, hold on now…purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they’re suffocatin’… Then, help ’em!
I mumble a lot offstage; I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me. He’ll say, “What?” So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, “What?” But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, “That tree is far away!”
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call ’em cavities, I like to call ’em places to put stuff! ‘Do you know where I can store a pea?’ ‘Yes, I have some locations available’.
I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “Fuck that. I’ll get a tan instead.”
I got some tartar-control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit’s under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I’m like, “Come on, man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazy-ass tartar…” I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in shit! … That’s actually kinda gross. After I tell that joke, I clarify that I’m just joking. I don’t know how much tartar I actually have. I assume it’s the average amount. If we all did a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin’ middle.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin’ there was less likely a chance you’d run into an authority figure … but we ran into a bear; that was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me “Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person”
I was in a movie recently. I had a small cameo with Peter Frampton. We had to smoke fake pot in our scene. Do not buy pot on a movie set! But yeah, for this scene I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That’s a cool story. It’s as cool as smokin’ real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. And I done that waaaaaay more.
I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? “I use Visine because I don’t want people to know that I was swimming.”
Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I’d see things that looked like beams of light… and I’d hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns…
My manager told me, “Mitch, don’t use alcohol as a crutch.” I can’t use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk. It’s more like the step I didn’t see.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. “Dammit, Otto, you are an alcoholic.” “Dammit, Otto, you have Lupus.” One of those two doesn’t sound right.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That’s false advertising, because that happens the least. That’s like if you’re advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. “This is what happened once.”
I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you’re a table.
Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up.”
I wrote a letter to my dad. I wanted to write, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote “rarely” instead of “really.” But I still wanted to use it! I didn’t want to cross it out, so I wrote, “I rarely… drive steamboats, Dad — there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad.”
Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it’s been cheapened… “We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let’s keep on givin’.” “Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?”
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means …. it’s dirty.
I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can’t wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.
I don’t know shit about cars, man. If my car breaks down, and I don’t see that little “E” on the dashboard, I’m fucked. But if that “E” is there, man, I act all cocky. I’m like “I got this one under control!” Then I pull out the toolbox, AKA wallet.
I rent a lot of cars, ’cause I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with them, right. So a lot of times I’ll drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake, it’s an emergency ‘make the car smell funny’ lever.
Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don’t fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone tells you that’s wrong, say “no it ain’t.” If you think that that’s wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It’s like X didn’t have enough to do so they had to promise it more. “Okay, you won’t start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing ‘Christmas’ easier. And you will incidentally start ‘xylophone.’ Are you happy now, you fucking X?”
I want to be a race car passenger–just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I stick my feet out the window? Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide.”
I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it’s saying ‘Noo…’ so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say ‘no’ to. “Do you keep my hair in place?” “Do you keep my documents in order?” “Do you have three settings?” Liar! My fan fuckin’ lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit!”
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 AM and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna come by at 10 and say, “Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”
I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry ’cause I like loud music… so when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say, “Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a doorknob on your side but over here there’s nothin’. It’s just flat.”
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
I like to close my eyes onstage, cuz I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids…
See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and write ’em down. Or, if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t that funny.
I order a club sandwich all the time. And I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I get away with it. “I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.” “So do I.” “Lets form a club then.” “Okay, but we’re gonna need more stipulations.” “Yes we do.” “OK… instead of cutting it once, let’s cut it again.” “Yeah, four triangles.” “And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips.” “Or potato salad.” “Ok.” “Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?” “I’m for ’em!” “Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide.” “I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts.” “Well you’re not in the fucking club!”
At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it’s the complete opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it’s a bullshit replica, ‘cuz dude didn’t even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon?
I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said “Please Try Again,” because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me — “C’mon, Mitchell, don’t give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait — Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”
I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That’s why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It’s not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won’t get mad because it glows in the dark too.
I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery… “We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.”
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufrene, party of two, Dufrene, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this – people are missing. You fuckers are selfish… the Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry! That’s a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufrenes.
I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the ‘donate to charity’ slice. I would like to exchange this for the ‘keep it’!
Yeah, I’m not into sports. If I had athlete’s foot, my first reaction would be, “That’s not my fucking foot.”
I wish I could play Little League now… I would kick some fuckin’ ass. I’d be way better than before. They’d back up now.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit. I say, “You fuckers don’t farm c’mon, what about some carrots? I like carrots. Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.”
That’s all for now. Go buy this guys CDs. I personally prefer “Strategic Grill Locations” but “Mitch All Together” is funny too.
PS. I had a great time too and we will be doing it again soon