evarB eB ot tnaW I

“evarB eB ot tnaW I”

This is the Tattoo John Popper have accross the top of his chest along the same curve as his collar bone.  It is a mirrored image of the sentence “I Want to Be Brave” in his words, “This is my only Tattoo.  It’s written backwards because if you wake up in the morning and read that in the mirror you remember how your day is going to be.”

I to want to be brave.  This week I got the courage to do something I had been to scared to do for 6 years.  A good friend made me see that it needed to be done.  It turned out as poorly as it could have, but it was somehow the best resolution it could have had too.

I met a girl waiting tables in 1996.  We dated for over 3 years eventually moving away to school together and living together.  We never doubted we would be married one day.  One night I crawled into our bed, gave her a kiss and said “I love you.”  She didn’t reply.  I said it again, still no reply.  I finally said “Are you trying to tell me you don’t love me anymore?” She said “Sorta”.  I cried that night like I have never cried before.  It was a pain and a sound that comes from your soul.  A pain I have never felt since and never hope to feel again.

She was young when we met.  I never doubted she would eventually need to see more of what was out there.  I always thought that eventually we would get back together.  Not long after we broke up a new girlfriend gave me an ultimatuum and made me stop talking to her.  I unfortunately did.  It is the thing i regret most in my life.

Over the years she became something of a goddess to me.  Perfect in every way.  Literally not a day went by over the last 6 years I haven’t thought about her.  My biggest dream was that one day we would be reunited.  I always knew how to get ahold of her, but was afraid to.  Afraid of what was happen.  Certain fate would lead me to her when the time was right.

So I was talking to Kendra about her the other night and it became apparent it was time to make the call.  My heart didn’t beat for the duration of it.  She obviously saw my name on the caller ID and answered hesitantly.  I said hi.  I asked her if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee or dinner sometime.  She simply replied “No.”

This probably should have crushed me.  I went emotionally numb and was not sure how to handle it.  I think I was in a daze the past few days until I changed the CD in my CD player.  I tossed in the new Blues Traveler CD.  Haven’t been a big fan because alot of the songs hadn’t resonated with me yet.  Last night they finally did.

With those two letters in her one word reply, she once again became human.  She is not the same and neither am I.  She probably never was the person i thought she was right before that call.  The goddess had again become mortal.

It got me thinking alot about when our heros become human.  We place people on pedestals and try to deny thier human frailties.  Yet it is in learning that they are mortal that we are impowered.  Unless our heroes are mortal, we can never be heroes ourself.  It wasn’t til Dorothy found a man behind the curtain in Oz, that she found she had teh power all along.

Even John Popper, a man that I have devined so much wisdom and knowledge from over the years that I could never explain it, is human.  He wakes up every morning with a reminder that he wants to be brave.  Can any of us wish for anything greater during the course of a day.

It has been a tough week.  I have been through some major ups and downs.  Not sure what to make of all of it.  I do know two things though.  I appreciate Kendra giving me the courage to do it more than I can explain.  And I too want to be brave.