Still alive. Work has been keeping me pretty busy and in general I am trying to focus on being more productive and spending less time in front of a computer. Life is pretty good all and all. I look at the things I have been through in the last year and am quite happy with how I survived. The last year and a half has been a real growing period of trying to discover what I want and finding that it isn’t always the obvious. Starting with the drama upon leaving Hooters. Cinzettis, and Tuesdays. “Your not good enough for me” girl, “Did I mention I fucked three other guys while we were together?” girl, and of course the “I can’t date you because you’re not a Christian” girl. The DWI, The Audit, the property tax debacle. Making less than I ever had and getting hit with an insurmountable wave of shit. I’m still standing. I have money in my pocket that I don’t owe to anyone. The audit will be done shortly and I can go back to working with my dad for real live money. Taking my test next month so I can make real money when I do. A side job that I dig and am still making twice what I was when I went through all the financial challenges. Toss handling it while just being shy of 8 months of sobriety. Not a single drink, no slips, no sips, nothing. So much has happened that I am proud I made it through.
The last couple weeks I slowly opened boxes from every move i have made since 99. 8 different places in 7 different cities. Each move everything just went into a box. To find anything I would have to dig until I found the last time I remember seeing it moves box and search through it. I sorted out the closed up boxes of my past literally and metaphorically in some ways. Trash bags full of stuff I should have never thought was important enough to throw away at the time and I was still carrying around today. It works on both level. Sometime we need to decide what is really important and hold onto it. Everything else is just clutter and makes it tougher to find the stuff that matters.
I can see this transition phase coming to an end. The obstacles to doing what I want to do are gone now. It really is quite terrifying. Now the only thing that stops the plan is me. Taking total responsibility for your life is a pretty scary concept. I am ready though. It’s time to make things happen.
To celebrate the transition I have made a decission. Blues Traveler plays their annual show every year at Red Rocks in Denver. It is an annual gathering and a huge 4 hour long show. Every Year for the past 11 years on the 4th of july I have wished I was there. This year I am just going. Come hell or high waters I will be at red rocks. I am quite ready to go by myself and dance for 4 straight hours if I have to. But I will be there.
As for recently. Had a Felicia moment the last couple of nights. Figured it out early enough to avoid the fall.
I Drove home repeating this song often, a mantra if you will
Life I embrace you
I shall honor and disgrace you
Please forgive if I replace you
You see I’m going through some pain
But now I see clearly
And the dawn is coming nearly
And though I’m human and it’s early
I swear I’ll never forget again
Feel free to comment. I usually read them more frequently than I update
I’m really glad life seems to be looking up for you.
*******Theres a multitude of story
Some is clean and some is gory
But there is no need to worry
If youre sold or if youre bought
Were just spinning on some granite
That we like to call a planet
And if you need to contemplate
Well heres an optimistic thought
********I swear to god I took a walk and it occurred to me while I was outside
That if I was looking for a miracle I might do well to look up to the sky
The dawn breaking open the day you’d say that it was blinding me
But still I had to stop right there and wonder why
Now I know for certain ’cause I’ve been around
That the sun shines every day even though you might not get to see
No matter who no matter where no matter weather permitting
The miracle is that sometimes it can burn just for you
…or just me
Oh this one’s burning just for me
Yeah yeah yeah me
Somethings, somethings are just for me
I wrote the editor for some news print shots
But he just sent me some old forget me nots
And this ain’t Vegas but I’ve played the slots
So I figure on dropping one coin in
And some old Seminole yelled look out below
You know long ago they wouldn’t let him go
But now they’re laying low in Idaho
And so Geronimo, he finally gets to win
…Or lose, who cares about the news
We all live and schmooze as we choose
The effort’s always in the details
I’ve put in my time
I bump and grind and rise and shine
I whine and whine and pine and ache like everybody else
its funny you thought of that song. that song has picked me up or been what i listened to when i was in a good mood.
cool that you are going to the show!! i am so excited for you.
im actually….depending on my job situation, going to try to go to the one in baton rouge on the 15th
check your email when you get a second, please.
amazing! glad to hear everything’s doing well!
There is something totally life-affirming when you’ve been hit by wave upon wave of trouble’s punches, and though it knocked you down, you’re still standing when the bell rings (and you’re still sober, double congrats on that!). When life is a little tough, I’ve always been able to look back on the rough patches (and believe me, some of the are rough), and it cheers me up to say ‘Man, I made it through that mostly intact. This is nothing!’
i completely agree.
ive always looked at it as a 1 step forward 2 steps back type deal, with john, and his lyrics.
i make it a point to try and stay positive about every situation.
and i think thats what john is trying to do.
she basically says it isnt going to work, and she moves on…..
and though he is heartbroken he still has hope that maybe, he still has a chance with her.
shes on the other side of the moon, but maybe, just maybe, my song touched her, even though she said it didnt.
thats how i see it.
and as a female bt fan, it is very encouraging. it makes me think, no matter how much i may fuck shit up, maybe he will come running after me.
she isnt mine.
i love that song. so much.
ive been known to screw things up in relationships, and i find myself after everyone since that cd was released singing that song.
yet again, it has the same sense of hope, and dispair all at the same time.
whatever it all boils down to, john only knows.
and whatever it is that it all boils down to, you know it has to be brilliant.
even it is about going to the bathroom and running out of toilet paper, he words it beautifully!! lol.
its always nice to have someone to discuss BT with.